Splitting Hairs

I have curly hair. Yeah, who'd have thought hey? But all my life I've always heard of beautiful and hair syntactically combined with the adjective- STRAIGHT. So I guess if I follow the rules on this one, then by extension I'm out of this beauty bracket...again. But when have I ever reaaaaaaaalllly followed the rules?:) The daemon that is Society stabs the people,who fall outside of the box,in their feet(foot's? gerund?)...again.

Up until the beginning of this year I've had varying lengths of hair, but mostly it's been mid-long. Avowed Goths/grungers (with CLEAN hair) don’t really opt for hair cutting. And it sort of suited me to look like Hermione Granger when I probably end up sounding like her all the time (given that Fate has landed me in the Blaaaaahnian Capital of Blaaaaahdium and I am generally surrounded by an intellectually devolved sub-species of humanity). **DISCLAIMER** (Now let me redeem myself here by saying that I’ve been blessed not to have very thick or coarse hair. My hair’s baby fine and soft and other such nice and pretty things so when it is straight most people can’t believe it was ever curly. Unlike some curly-haired people where you can take one look at their hair which seems to be fighting gravity and trying to spring back into curls despite the best attempts of the wearer to get it to stay on the sleek side. My hair's not really been chemically played with as well. My hair dresser makes a song and dance about my “virgin hair” (yes, I too am WTF? @ that comment) especially when there’s 10 year olds in the salon with foil in their hair (and they look at me like I’m a dork, which I might be, but that’s another chapter) Lol. OMG I must be SO vain, I’m blogging about my hair OMG! OMG! OMG!) **END OF DISCLAIMER** There's also just the practicality of it all, rather have a head full of bouncy curls which have occurred as your hair dries naturally then spend time with a hair dryer and feel like a girl. errrrrggghhhh.

Now, my hair obsession is borderline OCD here, people. I MUST wash and condition it every single day. That doesn’t sound like obsession at all, however like all good info-mercials…but wait, there’s more. Ummmm, yeah, the shampoo to conditioner ratio MUST be exact. 2 shampoos: 1 condition. Any person with an iota of mathematical knowledge will tell you that this theory holds valid at 4:2, 6:3 8:4 etc...Now you see what I mean? And no, I am not satisfied that my hair is washed until the maths works out. No I don't count, after 22 years on this planet you sort of develop a feel for things like that. And my maths is ALWAYS correct (at least when it comes to shampoo: conditioner use). If shampoos were arranged according to adjectives other than those negative ones (normal, oily, dry, yada yada) my shampoo type wouldn’t be normal(which is the only thing "normal" about me), it’d be Lovely or Beautiful or maybe, maaaaaaaaaaaaaaybe Perfect. hahaha zOMG the vanity, ok I’m in Lestat mode, I’m not like this generally, I swear.

Well then at the beginning of this year when I got back from my Indian adventure (read the executive summary somewhere down there↓) I decided to have the chop a few days upon my return. It was the hair obsession talking. I wanted to be perfectly sure that a hair dresser had professionally washed my hair, to make SURE that anything from India which could of possibly have contaminated my hair and scalp was OUT. I’m not saying India is full of nits and lice (I SHUDDER when I hear those words btw) cos it’s not, the Amla kills the stuff, I think, I hope… I wanted to make sure all the soot from the pollution was out because I would have sleepless nights over that worry. So I had a pretty drastic chop. The back bits could be spiked, but Butch does NOT appeal to this Sundance Kid, so it stays flat.

I love/d the look. I look/ed completely different. I regretted cutting my tresses the very next day and the day after and the day after that…. I only want to look like a Spawn of Ozzy (As in teh_Osbourne and DEFINITELY not one of his biologically connected ones, but you know what his hair is like black, long, down the middle etc etc) again for one reason. I’m no hair dresser [and (okay, make that two reasons) I’ve been told by several people now that I remind them of Kelly Clarkson. Yes, an ex POP-idol, WTF?WTF?WTF?]. Whoever the hell said short hair is low maintenance needs a kick up their opinionated derrière. It’s not. There’s this piece of hair that just bugs me though, the piece at my right ear will not do anything besides curl outwards. I’ve tried the hair iron business too, that helps considerably but the damn thing won’t stay down. And I HAVE to blow dry my hair nearly every single day because as adorable as hobbits are there’s no sweet f’n way I’m walking around looking like one… With double or more than the hair length I have now I could have sleek, straight hair in under 30 minutes, I now take a good 20 minutes to resemble something remotely un-hobbitish. The maths doesn’t add up.

This is the seriousness of the situation. I, me, moi, queen_Lestat feel the need to do something as outrageously girly as attempting to style my hair. ALTHOUGH (redemption) I don’t bother un-hobbiting myself if I’m gonna be at home. My hair doesn’t need to be fried with rotating hot air to within an inch of its life. This is one of those things that Blaaaaahnia causes. You don’t want to conform, but at some stage it starts creeping in into the little things like this. Meh…I’ve devised a new scheme, the queen shall NOT succumb, she’ll make ample use of her hats to disguise her lack of hairstyling talent. Besides Islam rocks!!! We’ve got a scarf for all seasons. Everything from beanies to the Blossom revival hats(not too fond of those cos I’m not 12 anymore, and neither am I going picnicking on a raft with a Mark Twain sponsored cast), Che Guevara-like berets (I’ve got an original one from the 50s or 60s. Talk about retro eh? YAY!! For liberal ancestors and stuff) to my trusty caps…

I shall prevail on this quest. My hair shall be spared another lifetime. My hair just HAS to grow back. Blaaaaahnia will have to find another way to try and ensnare me. HA!!! queen_Lestat countless thousands millions gazillions: Blaaaaahnia ½ *shines her nails on her collar* …



Diola lle
rah*