Why Internet Access Should Be Limited Reason #395857

It's no secret that some of my favourite music comes from the period best described as the Grunge Years. However, when OH and I start having random conversations it is usually a good idea to have an empty bladder. Whilst we relive a never ending supply of cringe-worthy tunes, I thought it a good idea to think of a list of my personal worst songs. Yes, this includes the OST for Titanic.

In the process I found this**:


Spot the irony?

I will never understand what goes on in some people's heads.

Epic fails are always noted,
rah*

**Click to enlarge

Of Grammatology**

For a long while now I've been wanting to do a series of posts on language usage.

While I sit about and try to make space for all the cows (I thought the first rule about this was do not link the OH, but seems like everyone's done it already.This linkage should free up about two steaks for someone else now. I'm magnanimous like that :P), I've got an issue once again with language and English.

Learn from this, see how it works, ask me if you don't get it and I shall re-explain gladly (all confidentiality held). It's not about being a pretentious language buff, it's all about helping people who seem to have no end to embarassing themselves with these basic errors. And yes, getting these grammar rules correct are requirements on the Jedi list (being the precautionary measures set in place, which should be satisfactorily checked off, before one can consider long term bovine investments).

Please do accept this paltry offering in the spirit that it was intended and so that you may de-idiot before typing up things. This is something which works on my nerves, not only because I'm a grammar nazi by profession, but also because I remember learning this in Standard 1 or 2/Grade 3 or 4 (all credits dude to Apartheid's House of Delegates owned thorough-bugger teachers) and I think that it's easy enough to understand and apply. It's quite a shame when otherwise intelligent human beings screw up their text with some of these errors. Errors which are made mostly due to not understanding the basic premise of word classes.

In English, as in all languages, there are word classes. This means that certain words function as a particular type of word or within a particular context.


There's three types of word classes which seem to confuse the hell out of the lesser mortals of the realm.

Prepositions, pronouns, and contractions.

Prepositions: Split the word into two pre -position, before a position, it denotes a place, a position. It is not to be confused with a pronoun. Examples include; Here, there, above, below, inside, outside, underneath. (PLACES)

Pronouns: Split it into two as well and nouns are people, places, things, tangible stuff unless it's an abstract noun. Examples include; his, her, them, their, our. (PEOPLE)

Thus, there is not the same as their. There shows place, their shows ownership.

Conractions are words which are joined and shortened by an apostrophe (an apostrophe which does not show possession). Consider the sentence: Here's his book, he's going to need it. (WORD(USUALLY PREPOSITION OR PRONOUN)+(USUALLY)AUXILLIARY VERB)

He's is a contraction for he is or he has. It's not the same as his which is a pronoun. Common errors include: "his mad" instead of he's mad.


Are we all clear on this one?

Next up: Concorde, Plurals and Apostrophe.

Class dismissed!
rah*
**Bonus points to the reference catcher.

It's getting hot in here...

You know, there's those people who find it "kewt" to type "kewl" and replace -r's and -l's with w's eg "sowwy" and "hewwo". Now this is just ghei firstly, and secondly, when grown adults do this it works on my nerves (my magnanimous streak does however extend only to people who are around the age of 12-16 who do this because alas, they were not fully alive while the world and the internet was still awesome and not filled with twits), and thirdly, there is absolutely nothing more off putting than (consciously) horrific spelling and grammar.

I got this in an email from a person who brims with awesomeness and smells like teen spirit :P, with the most apt subject line ever (see below):

If you laugh, you're going to hell:

Suffice to say (before you get your panties in a knot and go all moral high ground on me)...I guess you can all queue up behind me?
rah*

Oh, Sweet Irony I Do Love Thee So:

This is really old news. It's one of those I was meaning to... however, if, but, andthenthewindowbroke- type of posts. So I'm not sure if anyone else has played Spot The Irony with this news piece yet or not.

But really, come on now!

You can you have a rapist being convicted of rape anywhere else in the world, but only in South Africa will his name be- Innocent Khumalo.

Ladies and Gentlemen (not forgetting our retard in the back), I thank you all for your time and wish you a pleasant and safe journey home.

They do it to themselves I tell ye, walk right into a guest appearance on The Chronicles.
rah*

Stop The Presses!!!!

A very dear friend(who under normal circumstances cannot be taken too seriously) gives me the following piece of news:

Legend: AAAAAAAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAA Radio Religious news just now AHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAA they just said AHAHHAHAHHAHAHAA Shaytaan is having a conference for his shayateen!!!!!!!

qL: LOLOLOLOLOL are you serious???

Legend: Yes.

qL: you sure it's not like "is in conference with"?


Legend: No that's what they said AHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHA


qL: What kind of idiots believe that crap? And how and why is that newsworthy? LOLOLOL


Legend: I dunno, but AHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHA

qL: LOLOL quickly gimme their number, I'm gonna phone in and say "Hello, I just heard about the conference and I just want to say that I have a stationary store, should they require any personalised paper pads, pens, etc I will be glad to contribute towards this endeavour at cost price!!"


Legend: I dare you!!!!

qL: What's their number?

Legend: I dunno :/

qL: -_-

So if anyone wants to attend this historic and momentous occasion, give me a shout. Maybe we can organise a lift club or something and go together?


Seating place is tight so please RSVP asap.
Degh Akni will be sold at a nominal cost.

I think the Daily Sun just became tantamount to Gospel compared to this.

Friggin' Blaaaaahnians.

rah*

Shaytaan = Satan
Shayateen= Satan's minions

Stupid Post

Right, so sue me. I don't do New Year Resolutions, I do online quizzes though. It's equally time wasting as the former. n3rd 4 l1f3! \m/ So here goes, a post, a cheap one at that too, but a post none the less. I have a kind of arrangement with someone that I will throw in a 2c on religion. Look out for that.

What Be Your Nerd Type? Your Result: Literature Nerd   Does sitting by a nice cozy fire, with a cup of hot tea/chocolate, and a book you can read for hours even when your eyes grow red and dry and you look sort of scary sitting there with your insomniac appearance? Then you fit this category perfectly! You love the power of the written word and it's eloquence; and you may like to read/write poetry or novels. You contribute to the smart people of today's society, however you can probably be overly-critical of works. It's okay. I understand.
Drama Nerd
Gamer/Computer Nerd
Social Nerd
Science/Math Nerd
Artistic Nerd
Musician
Anime Nerd
What Be Your Nerd Type? Quizzes for MySpace

And thanks to Saaleha, I now know that I can spel en do gramerrrrr:



And then the force took over and bandwidth rape became commonplace in the land:



(those are screen shots because blogger wasn't picking up on the coding cut and paste jobby properly)


See, the thing with online quizzes is that they're addictive,and often lol-worthy(though some have appalling grammar and spelling and look like they've been designed by 12 year old 3m0 n008z). But I find that if you didn't know you were going to get a particular answer then you need to lock yourself up in a cupboard and get to know yourself. And now I have zero to say since that. Fare thee well Farmer John.

And for the grand finale...just when you thought life couldn't get better/worse here comes- Happy 08!

meeeeeeeeeeeeeeh! boredomnesseses
rah*

Why? How? Actually... WHAT?!

I blame The Organ Harvester.

For probably cultivating such a fan base and then laying the smackdown (so to speak) on the powers that be to demand equal rights.

Please, oh please someone tell me how is it possible that the dictionary on my humble, unassuming cellular phone has the word "Pillay" stored by default? But I had to add "phoned" and "phone" in as words.

Noodlew, mageno, intender <- that's what I get when I tried Moodley, Naidoo, and Govender. It was worth a try...right?

I think there might just be one too many charos in I.T.

teh_weirdness
rah*

Patriotism is...

me.

zOMG!

I cannot sleep because I am worrying about the ANC Polokwane conference thing. No, really. Despite my usual insomnia, my eyes cannot close and neither can I stop thinking about the possibilities of the outcome.

zOMG!

I mean what if Zuma wins? Will showering join beetroot and garlic and olive oil and lemon juice in our National First Aid Kit? What if Thabo wins? Will he cling to power and become Mugabe II? Well garlic and lemon juice concoction will still be available on the chronic medication list anyway. *shrivels into foetal position*

zOMG!

Lawdeh, I'm blogging about this *clutches duvet*. Talk about g33k!n355.I don't want to get into the ins and outs and of why we shouldn't panic. Because that would be hypocrisy at it's best. Personally, I think they're both a bit Blaaaaah and I wish we had one of those head to head presidential candidate debates like they do in the States.

zOMG!

I don't know whether the tone of what I am writing here is revealing the SHEER AMOUNT OF PANIC I feel. I think I am mad. Really.

zOMG!

I have this feeling of panic...like I quit smoking, imbibed a litre of coffee-neat and then went to OD on 3ph3dr4**. teh_panic! Consternation is not a good noun...sounds too fuddy duddy to reflect TEH_PANIC!!!

zOMG!

AAAAAAAAAAAAarrrrrrrrggh!!!

zOMG!

I hope it all works out, I need sleep. I can only imagine how Zuma and Thabo feel...I wonder if they have sleepless nights worrying about the state of the country and it's people like I have.

Nkosi Sikele i Afrika...we need it.
*counting sheep*

rah*

**please translate on your own- 3= e and 4=A. Don't need any more spam through Google searches than I already have :)

From Timorous Infant to Enfant Terrible: The Chronicles Turn Two!

So last year I gave the Chronicles a treat and we did the whole first birthday party thing like any proud mummy would do. This year, we've matured a bit and so in celebration of our coming of age and further entrenchment in the blog world: (wait for the end, I need to stuff more stuff in first, then just pretend that the other stuff came here kthxbye).

Entrenchment (for the retarded eejits who continue to bombard me with /quit blogging requests) is a noun referring to the act of entrenching, entrenching on the other hand is a transitive verb meaning to be firmly placed in a particular area/position. Right, now that that's done with here's the birthday treat.

This is what I believe I should be saying to all those morons. This is my take on The Chronicles of Blaaaaahnia. And here's to another year of slow, sporadic (though at times not so worth it) posts. VIVA TO THE DEMISE OF BLAAAAAHNESS!!!

See you guys on the flip side of this, I've got some stuff in my head.
rah*

With Much Annoyance...

So far, I've managed to avoid the facebook "craze" quite simply because I cannot see the hype or the necessity of it in my already overly mediated life.And that was one bloody long sentence, but anyway...


Also, I found the whole phenom a bit too self-whoreish for my very private, under the radar, virtual anomaly type tastes. Then he-who-shall-not-be-hyperlinked goes and lives up to his threats of creating an account for me. (Those in the know, will know that lately a few of my good friends were involved in a challenge called break-into-qL's-accounts-to-annoy-her-when-she-tries-logging-in). So through no fault of my own I now have a FaceBook account...and I don't even have the password etc.

Furthermore, the person who created the account has known me for almost 18 years.

He spelt my name incorrectly.

However, I forgive him. After all, (lol) he hearts post-grunge music. Poor child :P

Thanks a lot lol. Now, I've gotta find a way of deleting this thing. I feel so tainted. Anyway, the said friend promised I don't have to do anything but that I should give him a week and see who or what he pulls out of the woodwork.Thereupon I should try it for a month. BLEH!!!!Talk about feeling like a sell-out when you're not even one on your own steam or effort.

Damnit...everyone who I would've normally associated myself with on such a forum has upped and left.But I'll give Ferez a week. This better be good.Because qL hearts you too much to be too annoyed. But she is...and an irritable queen is most likely the sort to yell "OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!!!"

Oh and the anonymous retard is welcome to add me as a friend. I'm magnanimous like that. Here's one of the last spam-conversations (it was at around 8pm-ish) (Suprisingly, yes, it is still spamming me)

It: "u no u a reel bitsh y u mst tel ur frnds 2 send i so mch emales"
me : "rather that than a f'n moron, you dweeb...get lost, you're not funny anymore, you're a tiresome mutilator of language"
It: "i no u a satinist c hw u sware me in rumzan"

Anyone else spotting the irony? O yeah and because of my so called (rather kinky sounding) "satin-ist" activities this reject and it's three acclaimed signatories want to start a petition to get me off the Muslim Blogger's Webring. Everyone please -_- it with me. It never ceases to amaze me the sheer stupidity of people out there.

The Blaaaaaahnians are out there.
rah*

When Blaaaaahnians Cry, They Cry a Rainstorm.

And so ladies and gentlemen, it is with much honour that I hand out today's retard award.Now queen_Lestat is no stranger to hate mail or to completely inbred half wits.Blaaaaaahdium (and other equally Blaaaaah places such as Blehnz and Blaaaaaahzaadville) is full of such specimens.However, one particular email shimmied itself into my mailbox. I have honoured the last few shreds of dignity attached to the said person and not pasted their email details.These are however, available on request. A flight attendant will serve it when we've reached due altitude.So sit back, and enjoy the ride. Oh and as with any text presented for scrutiny in a foreign language for the purposes of this critical analysis a detailed translation will follow the said text. (I kid you not this is strues bob the kind of people that infest this world.) Here we go now:



good day queen lestat

who is dis blog crit n dragan.tel it to me now cs u mst be noing dem.y dey lyk ur blg n no 1s elss n den dat cujo cums n starts sumtimes u mad or sumting or u fscking drag hw cum dey dnt lyk oda ppls blogs.wat is rong wit u i even took u of my list cs u neva red my blg u such a fsck n i dnt
sware bt u hav all dis black blog lyk a satinst n den ur blg name dnt evn maks sence. r u evn a muslim how u gt on da muslim ring huh tel me nw do u evn red namaz or do u nly blg dey cum n tel us shit bt dey dnt tel u nutting y tel me if u no dem. who sed dey mst vote u for da awrd.u no u nt goin to win dats y u dnt evn put up da sticka.ur blg jus faulty it shows dat u r wired n dat u mad cos u dnt evn no dat u r a human hhahhaha n den u put shaikspaere in ur blg lyk u 1 eng teacha gt a lyf u 23 n u gt a blg go gt marrid hahhhaa. n den y u dnt b lyk one norm persin n put up picts n ur rael name den we cn al no how u r.i saw ur udder blg dos picts r so dum haaahaha a few dey cum out broun bwaahahhahahaha wat flops n dey so borng 2 c cos it shows dat u neva go 2 india cos u not in da picts n u cnt evn mach ur socks in da pic

i wnt 2 no whodey r cs dey fsckng on my blog n on my frens u betta tel me n u so tick to put ur emale on ur prof now evry1 cn tel u dat u dnt make sence hahahaha n dat prof is nonsence it dnt make no sence whatkine wit dat u spk elvis how dat gnna help on kiyamit. who sed deymst lyk ur blog n im not going to red urs no mor cs u dnt red mine n i ws goin 2 pt u on my linx bt i tink i wont hahahaha loooooool sori 4 u loozer.

tel ur frrens to stop fscking wit us if we 2 cleva 4 dem n dey dnt no nutting we dnt care wat dey tink cs we no we da kewl ppl n dat lest we gt frens whocn rite 4 real n put tings lyk shaikspaer bwaahahhaa lyk we in shcool. u betta msg me bk n tel me da info i need or il flud u til u tel me

bye
:-))))))))))))))))))))))


It took me quite a while to read that. Yes, Ulysses and Finneagan's Wake were an easier read each than that, you're such a genius. Greater than Joyce himself. Anyways, the said emailer is completely anonymous besides the fact that they have a fetish for the letter Z. Also the said emailer provides no url or blog references at all but is obviously a blogger or a suck up to someone who got crapped on. Yes, retard that is shit which you are imbibing. I still await a reply from the said moron with regards to the fact that I can understand many languages but I don't speak fucktard, could the person please be so considerate as to retype the brief and the queen will then attempt addressing the issues at hand. Upon receipt of a very eloquent "fsuck you" the queen has decided to go it alone.Herewith follows the queen_Lestat translation of the text.

Dear queen_Lestat,
Who are blog_critic and dragan? Please tell me now, because I have a feeling that you might be able to guide me as to who they might possibly be.I would like to inquire as to why they seem to enjoy reading your posts compared to lots of other people's.Occasionally, they hold cujo's blog in high regard as well and she voices her opinions loud and clear as well.I would also like to question your sanity and I would venture to ask whether you are perhaps having some sort of relationship with either of them to make them visit here so often and why they antagonise and dissect other peoples posts up?

What is wrong with you?I have even gone so far as removing you from my list of blog links because you have never visited my blog or read it ever.You are such a fuck and I don't swear.However, you have this blog which is all black rather like the stereotype of a Satanist to top it all off, your blogs name does not make any sense.

Furthermore, I would urge you to declare your religious disposition and I want to know if you are a Muslim because you are on the Muslim Blogger's Webring.I want to stress the urgency of this request please.It is of vital concern to me whether you maintain your Islamic duties or whether you spend all your time blogging.They (dragan and blog_critic as mentioned above) often visit our blogs and leave scathing critiques of our works.And yet they have not done so on this blog as yet. Please tell me why this is so? Again I repeat my call for information regarding the above two personae.

Another matter of importance I wish to discuss with you is who gave blog_critic the authority to nominate your blog for the Blogger's Choice Awards. You obviously know that you don't stand a chance to win the competition when there's blogs like Perez Hilton up for nomination as well. I opine that this is the very reason which you do not and have not put up your nomination "brag badges".

I do believe that your blog is faulty (sic) and in addition to it's inherent flaws, it shows that you are weird.I once again question your sanity in your belief that you are not a human being but rather a Vampire or an Elve.Also, you put up posts containing references to Shakespeare and these suggest that you have some knowledge of English Literature, akin to a teacher of English.My advice is that, since you are 23 and you blog, you should consider marriage as a suitable alternative to blogging.

Why do you not put up pictures of yourself as well as your real name and other personal details so that we all know who you are?I saw your other blog as well, those pictures are ridiculously silly.And are so poorly taken that some even turned out brown.Your photography is thus a failure.The pictures are exceedingly boring to look at and this proves that you did not go to India because you are not present in any of the pictures present. Evidence also suggests that you cannot match your socks.

I reiterate my request to you because I want to know who they are because they are performing sexual intercourse on my blog as well as with my friends.I am now threatening you to submit to my demands for attention and information.You are so very silly for putting up your email address on your blog profile because this encourages people to take their queries regarding anything to you personally.Your profile itself does not make sense in the least. You speak Elvish, how exactly will that help you on the Day of Reckoning?Who gave blog_critic and dragan permission to like your blog? Personally, I feel that it is my duty never to read your blog again because you do not read mine.Just when I was considering re-linking you up. Guess you just lost out there on a key opportunity.

Please tell your fans to stop harassing us because we are obviously intellectually superior to them. We know everything, and they know nothing.We do not care about what they think about us because we know that we are more socially acceptable and, to put it in the vernacular, "cooler".We know this because we are fully justified in saying that we are friends who can write in real life and who do not post things such as Shakespeare, which lost it's relevance when we were in school.

In conclusion, queen_Lestat, please see to it that you send me the information I require or I shall be forced to oblige my company and flood your inbox with this email until you do so.

Thank you for your time,
Yours Sincerely
**********

Now I don't know whether such idiocy deserves a response but I shall state a few things categorically. Because I know there are many more retards where this one came from.

• I do not know who blog_critic or dragan are or where they've come from.
  
• If they happen to like reading this blog, it's the exact same reason they don't like yours...subjectivity.And perhaps the fact that I am not so severely inbred as you are.
• I don't know who you are or where you blog, but damnit if you type like that I don't want to see it...EVER.Retard, fuckwit, vowelless aberration of language.
  
• Also, since you really don't care what people think about you and your little chums, why are you emailing me?Retard.
• The amount of class you display here, makes Bob Ewell look like the patriarch of the Rothschild's.
  
• I recommend a LARGE dose of the shit that is Linkin Park because I have a feeling Mike Shinoda will speak to all that emo angst so nicely packaged in your fuckwitted self.Retard, emo.
  
• I have, just by reading that, ASL'd you that you are:Female (a male would say FUCK like a man) or else you're a raving hissy fitting queen(ie a manbitch), b) you're from Durban or the East Coast ("faulty", "whatkine"," lyk u one eng teacha") yeah the Blood of the Phoenicians runs strong in you.And I don't refer to the Great Ancient Empire when I say that, c) you're under 20 or at least your mental status is, your spelling and grammar is worse than a 5 year olds.Retard.
• While on the topic of birth defects, you come across as someone who would lose a fight if people started with "yo' momma" jokes. Ultra Retard.
• You are the perfect embodiment of what happens when pregnant women snort nuclear waste instead of crack.And also when they use Agent Orange instead of hair spray.Retard deluxe.
• My photography on Graphic Descriptions, is called Sepia in that "brown" series which you refer to like the pleb that you are. Your fabled intelligence should also tell you that you use a particular film and light setting to achieve that effect and that it is not a random "flop".It does not contain me, cos I am holding the camera.And I don't see the dangling appendages of any cows.You didn't say anything about cows?Oh sorry, I'm not sure what else udders refers to.Retard.
• Also, Picts were an ancient peoples from England, fore bearers to the Scots.So I obviously can't put them up cos they're extinct by now I guess. But you obviously know better than me.*shrugs*
  
• I might be a Jedi, but I cannot do mind tricks across international borders to be in any "relationship" with some random n00b blogger on the scene whom I do not even know.Retard.
• If I want to quote Shakespeare and discuss literature all day, I most certainly will.And if you don't get it. Well then? Take a book and read perhaps?
• And it's rather quaint how you went to "shcool", maybe there they didn't have any "teacha's" which explains a lot about you.
  
• I don't read your blog cos I don't know who you are, but evidently I'm supposed to give you credit for being the spokesperson for your little Cabal?And yes, I'm sure I'd be delighted to have my blog advertised on your piece of crap front page wherever it may be.Retard.
• I speak ElvisH you dunce, I might be polite, but I don't go around saying in a deep voice "thank you, thank you very much". And no it won't help me for Qiyamat, but my knowledge of Arabic might smooth things over a bit. You will be duly doused with a generous helping of Dr Seuss I think.
• And on the topic of all things religious. I see you so perfectly encapsulate Islam.As is the first revelation of Islam, which is to seek knowledge, please teach me how to be just as dumbassed, judgemental, and intellectually deficient as you are.
  
• Also, don't pick fights when you know you stand a very good chance of humiliation. Learn that soon in life. Retard.
• If you would please be so kind as to take a very long walk off a short cliff and do humanity a favour.Retard.
  
• I quote an ultra important person in my life when I say, "I cant believe that people with actual learning disabilities have unsupervised access to the internet". And yes that is a direct dig at you. Retard.
  

And as promised, hope you're dressed for the occasion but here you are, especially for you:



Thank you God Bless, Goodnight
rah*

PS this post will be updated, so check back for more.

PPS any one sees the irony especially in light of the post called "I think I died"??Man, if I knew how to do the website bits I would SO do a dramatic reading of this one and put it up. Although I might sound like I'm speaking !X'am! judging by the style of writing.

PPPS this person is MOST definitely human.

I think I died....

If you ever wondered if your crappy spelling(aka vowel-less abbreviations and other distortions of language) and writing style made any difference to anyone or the meaning or what it sounded like irl...
Guess what...

...it does...

ROFLMAO
rah*

P.S. Speakers on for this one please